out of control but still responsible

ever feel like that? i used to feel that way pretty much always. it was so much my reality that i didn't know it was a lie i believed. it just was.

im less tangled in it than i was - sometimes now i can see it. i saw it yesterday. overwhelmed, stressed, certain i hadn't "done enough" in any area of my life i sat wound tight as a tick on the interstate for 2 hours, stuck bumper-to-bumper with the population of orlando.

and so i wrestled with the terror i felt creeping in. you see in that crazy state where i am responsible (for my daughter's tuition, my son's college entrance, my husband's entire family, my job, just to throw out a few) the stakes are high. you see for me an error, any error, any mistake, any mark shy of perfection, means i cannot be loved. or...well...it used to. the game is up.

turns out the first part of my old lie is actually true. i am absolutely out of control on most of the issues i panic over. but it is not true that i am responsible. if nothing else, it isn't logical. i actually don't run the world, or anything even close. truth is if anyone is going to have a beef with the way things turn out, they ought to take it up with god.

me? well turns out i decided somewhere between the trail and fairbanks that i was a very small, sweet girl doing the best she could. and when i got upset about those i love and care for, i decided to just ask for help. from wherever...from me (what can i actually do?) from others (do you have a minute to talk?) from god (can you handle that?).

i am pretty sure i drank far less vodka when i got home.