i used to think that it required something - that you had to "do it right" or that there was some method, some set of rules or rigid restrictions involved. but - or so it would seem from this vantage point - it asks nothing of me. this sort of letting go cannot be done wrong. nor can it be compared, analyzed or judged against another. it is a vulnerable, delightfully empty, trusting, childlike state which i enjoy alone.
i remember, somewhere in my 20s, when i realized that jesus' list of the "fruit of the spirit" in the gospel was not my "to do" list to accomplish before the weekend, that these beautiful traits were gifts offered to me. i was dumfounded.
and so it is in my 40s with letting go. turns out it is not a program to be worked, but an offer of rest and peace. like those spirit fruits, it is a gift, offered to me, on my behalf. it is through no merit of my own doing, no work of my hands, just a recognition that i am small and there is a god who can take care of me. god loves me without my help.
with that in mind, i feel my scramble cease, as well as my panic to make myself presentable, valuable, lovable. this is what i let go of, not my fatal flaws...not my terrible inadequacies...not my failures...but my terror-stricken, misplaced hope that somehow i can work hard enough to be loved.
letting go. its not on my "to do" list. i simply have.
2 comments:
Well that is just so enlightening and so understandable and so enticing that I'm going to attempt it. Not sure after all these years that I'll be totally successful, but any little bit could be called success.
yes. its the opening in our spirit that is lovely.
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